March 17th, 2006


I'm Iraq.

The sport of cloud penis leapfrogging often leads to very unique injuries.


My body's been a fucking disaster the past couple of weeks. Microscopic insurgents have been running around inside me, blowing up mosques and kidnapping reporters. First there was the vertigo; and now for this week, it was an intestinal virus.

At first I thought it was food poisoning. Then a stomach flu. Then food poisoning again. Finally I began to suspect it was a stomach virus before I discussed it with my doctor buddy, who said my symptoms sounded like an intestinal virus. The main symptom, of course, was frequent trips to the can. I've actually earned enough miles for a free domestic flight. None of the toilet visits were of the kneeling variety, which was great because as many of you already know, I can't stand vomit - either producing it or accidentally sitting on it in a Korean club.

It's not that diarrhea's all that splendid either. The one bad thing about diarrhea was that for several days, I absolutely, positively could not allow myself to fart. Because to do so would've been a very risky gamble, like playing rectum roulette. Anybody who's foolish enough to take a chance and let it loose often end up with a harsh lesson in life and annihilated underwear.

I think there's just one more day of eating bananas and bland rice porridge, and my ass should be back to normal. I've never experienced this back-to-back ailments before, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that it's been a while since I've drunk large quantities of alcohol. Combined with the fact that I'm eating healthier and exercising more, no wonder my body's shutting down.

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