I've posted a dancing midget video before, but this one easily surpasses it in terms of sheer majesty. Thanks to non-LJer Susie for emailing this one.
You know for the longest time I thought Number One meant poo-poo and Number Two meant pee-pee. So when a friend would say "I gotta do a number one" and be back less than a minute later, it would fill me with awe and wonder that a human being could shit so fast. "You're like a fucking rabbit. Did you even wipe?" I'd ask. After a while, my dumb ass would slowly figure out that people really didn't crap that fast or piss that slow. So why the confusion?
Why Number One Should Mean Defecation
A) It's a more grandiose production than urination. It takes more time, more energy, more natural resources. People make a special occasion of it, often taking reading material with them or - in Paul's case - a PSP with the second season of "Arrested Development." People often become philosophical during this time and think about the universe.
B) It's more difficult. Nobody sweats, grimaces, or grunts while peeing, and if you do, I'd see a doctor about that. There are entire industries dedicated to helping people release their Krakens. Laxatives, enemas, fiber drinks, prunes. For guys, pissing is also effortless in terms of execution. You can simply pull over on the side of the road, go behind a bush, or walk into an alley if the situation calls for it. You can't do the same for shitting, unless you happen to be a hobo.
C) It's bigger. And by that I mean it weighs more, at least most of the time. There are those rare occasions when all you can squeeze out is a little pebble or two.
D) It's more destructive and fearsome. It obviously smells more, and by so doing, it affects a larger area - sometimes an entire floor or congressional district. People often try to kill the evil with fire via lit matches. It can block plumbing. It can take lives. People have had fatal heart attacks while taking dumps.
Why Number One Should Mean Urination
A) It's more frequent. A movie makes number one because it was watched more than any other movie, not because it took the longest to make, cost the most, or featured the most grunting.
B) Some would argue that it feels better. Everybody has had those moments where your bladder was literally just seconds away from exploding before you finally made it to a urinal and toilet. The euphoria of relief as a river runs through you is semi-orgasmic or even orgasmic. Hell I've heard some say that it's more orgasmic than an orgasm. Can you say the same for defecation? It's not as common, but there have been those times where I thought I was seconds away from impending anal doom. There was this one episode in, yes, Bangkok where that happened and surprisingly it wasn't diarrhea. Slightly panicked, I scrambled around from seedy bar to seedy bar until I found an available toilet. Miraculously it was clean, but even if it looked like the toilet in "Trainspotting" I'da still put my ass on it. From what I remember, it was a different kind of relief than if I had to pee really badly. That was one epic doodoo: the earth literally shook - transsexual hookers were running for their lives. Yet the relief of finally unloading was offset by the sensation that half my internal organs were exiting my sphincter as well. I seriously thought I imploded. You don't experience any mixed feelings during a good slash.
C) Because "two" rhymes with "poo."
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