June 4th, 2007


Piano Monster. Girlfriend Is An Aunt.

If you hated practicing the piano as much as I did, you may have had a nightmare like this - after injecting LSD directly into your eyeballs. Although it's still not as scary as these two bitches.


My girlfriend became an aunt for the first time this past weekend. Was having dinner with some friends Friday night when her cellphone rang.

"Hello?" she answered. And this was then followed by, "OhMyGodNoW?!"

Even before she told us, I'd already assumed that her sister's water broke. She was due two weeks later, but judging by my girlfriend's mini-freakout, it appeared the baby had had enough of small town living and wanted to start seeking her fortune in the big city (It weirds me out using 'had' twice in a row. Can't believe this is grammatically correct.).

Or so we thought.

About 18 hours later, the cervix still hadn't dilated to 10 centimeters. First-time birthings, I was told, take longer - I'm assuming it's due to a ... um, narrower and ... less flexible ... tunnel? As they couldn't use some sort of Jaws of Life to pry the cervix open, the doctors had to perform a cesarean section surgery, which was surprisingly quick. The groggy mom and her new baby were back in less than an hour.

I wasn't in the hospital when my kid sister and nephew were born, so this was the first time I'd ever seen a newborn delivered straight from the uterus like a fresh-baked Krispy Kreme doughnut. I was fascinated. She had tiny hairs on parts of her face and body. There was antiobiotic slime on her eyelids. Her freshly cut umbilical cord, which had a clamp on it, was plastic yellow. Her skin was surprisingly normal-colored: I was expecting a purple baby like the ones I'd seen on TLC shows. And she had this looong, almost cylindrical conehead. Seriously, it looked like a giant vitamin capsule.

"What's going on with that head?" asked the worried father.

I assured him that the skull would shrink back to a normal, less alien-like shape. His mother recommended gently massaging the top of the head every day. Gently, of course, as the skull was very soft and malleable. The Mayans would bind their babies' heads between two boards as they found a ramp-shaped forehead to be very foxy. I wondered what would happen if instead you gently palmed the baby's head every day like a basketball - would she grow up with your handprint on the top of her dome?

By the next day, her skull was already a normal shape. She was deep asleep the last time I saw her today. And judging by her moving eyelids, I figured she was dreaming. Dreaming of the cozy, familiar life back in the small town of Womb.

She and her mom will get to go home Tuesday.

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