August 15th, 2007


Kimchi Clamato Beer.

I've always considered Clamato to be one of the worst product names ever. I'm just not a big fan of clams, and the idea of clam in liquid form is even more unappealing. They might as well sell tuna-flavored bubble gum. Granted, they mix the clam part with tomato juice, but it still strikes me as vile. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard that Latinos fucking love Clamato. They like it so much that they mix it with fricking beer. I would've been less stunned if they mixed beef gravy with tequila. Apparently this combo is so popular that Budweiser, the world's most hated beer, sells the damn thing in a towering can.

I don't really get myself sometimes. And this was one of those times. The very existence of this drink and the fact that it was a favorite with a particularly large ethnic group seemed so surreal to me that I felt compelled to drink it. So I got a can and decided to drink it before dinner.


When I poured the Clamato Bud Light into a glass, it didn't look as vomit-inducing as I thought it might. It actually looked somewhat benign - one could easily mistake it for a fruity tropical cocktail instead of something that contained shitty light beer and the haunted souls of crushed shellfish.


I had second thoughts about drinking it (For the love of God, it's liquid clam!), so I looked for a test subject. In the photo, you can see how Golden Retrievers say, "Fuck. No."


I finally took a sip and surprisingly didn't eject my digestive system from my mouth. It tasted like beer and V-8 instead of what I feared it would taste like: a goat abortion. I took a few more sips ... and it still wasn't awful. However it lacked something. Normally Mexicans add salt and lime, but I wanted more flavor drama. I grabbed a bottle of Tabasco and liberally spiked my drink.

Not bad. But not great.

Now here's where my brain did that idiot thing again. I remembered someone telling me how she'd tried a kimchi Bloody Mary at Cafe Bleu and claimed it was pretty good. So what the fuck did I do? I dropped several slices of kimchi into the Clamato beer.


I took a gulp ... and in my head I could hear Ron Burgundy say, "I immediately regret this decision!" As you can see in this photo, my eyes started to water and I tried to think of a happy place. At this point, my girlfriend couldn't take it anymore and grabbed the cup from my hand, yelling "Enough!"

And indeed it was.

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