February 24th, 2008


Head-Butted By Fake Ambien.

Walking the dog under a full moon. 9PM, Friday night.


Took my glasses to the optometrist this afternoon to get them fixed. "What happened?" you ask.

I got head-butted in the face by my girlfriend.

This happened last week. She's an insomniac, so she's been taking Ambien for several years. Recently she switched to a generic brand, which somehow turned out to be stronger than Ambien. I found this out the face-crushing way.

I was sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, when she walked over to kiss me good night. Then as she leaned over, the drug kicked in and she suddenly blacked out. The momentum caused her to fall forward and slam head-first into my noggin. I had no time to do anything evasive except to turn my head. By then the top of her skull collided with the corner of my eye and cheekbone.

If you've never been head-butted in the face, I don't recommend it. All the contents of your head gets jostled around like the unbuckled occupants of a flipping car. You also risk being less pretty.

So instead of a simple kiss, I got a small, throbbing lump that was getting bigger and more purple. My glasses were lying on the couch next to her sleeping body. The titanium frame was bent, but not broken.

I shook her awake to see if she was okay. She spoke to me briefly about sweet potatoes, and then went back to sleep. I checked her head to see if there were any dents from my glasses, but she was fine.

I filled a bag with ice and pressed it to the corner of my face. The very last thing I wanted was to walk into my office the next day with a fricking black eye. Because the worst part about black eyes is that no matter how you got it - sports injury, orgy mishap, goat-herding accident, tiny meteor - everyone automatically assumes you got in a fight and lost. Although in a way, I did lose a fight to the tag team of the generic version of Ambien and the top of my girlfriend's head.

So you can imagine how relieved I was the next morning when I looked in the bathroom mirror and only saw a pink, bug bite-sized bump under my eye and a small scratch on my eyelid. Luckily, my poor glasses absorbed most of the impact, or I probably would've gotten a Rocky Balboa. Thank you, titanium.

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