After I dried my tears, I entered some of my "more popular" Livejournal friends and these are the ones who actually got a ranking:
Your Web traffic queen, ladies & gentleman, slurpeekiss with an astonishing six-digit ranking.
Some people I was certain would be ranked didn't get a ranking at all: I figure it's because a significant portion of their readers come from their "Friend of" list. But who knows how they actually measure or determine the rankings - I'm just mad I didn't get at least 4,999,999. The mating rituals page of Flatworms.com has a higher ranking than me. Feeling so unloved right now. Somewhere out there, Cheeka, the Goddess of Measuring Self-Worth Through The Validation Of Others, is laughing her ass off.